13 Small Things That Will Make A Man Love You Forever And Ever
BY JOSEPH ANIETIE
Men are a mystery, like who built the
pyramids? No one knows. What would happen if you got your man flowers or
wrote him a love letter? No one knows. So don’t do it. (But men, if
you’re reading this, please buy the woman in your life flowers and write
love letters because women are not mysteries, they are precise like
IKEA instructions.)
If you’re wondering what would make a guy or a dude fall madly in love with you — as,
in, small things you can do that would make him never cheat on you
(anal) and more importantly marry and cherish and worship you until he
dies of heart disease — just take a look at these 13 tips that will trap
him in a trap made out of love.
1. Make sure your fridge is full of stuff he likes to drink, because it may be your apartment, but he lives there rent-free now.
Bonus: take him back to his frat days and chuck him a brewski when he
steps out of the shower. Then, later, when he’s really drunk, let him
clumsily masturbate your phantom penis. He won’t talk about it ever
again!
2. Make him a snack after sex. Men love sex and men love snacks!
That’s right, immediately after sex, dash to the kitchen. You read that
right, goddess! Once he’s pulled out, combat roll out of bed and haul
ass to snackburg. It has to be a gourmet snack — bacon wrapped scallops
with cream sauce and roasted Brussels sprouts with a side of chicken
fingers will do in a pinch.
3. Email him links about his favorite TV show, which is the second season of “True Detective.”
He loves that show because it’s gritty and it’s what adults watch and
he’s a fucking-a adult. Don’t just send him some random thinkpiece from a
lame website like Vulture or Salon or The New York Times. Send
him good links to smart blog posts that he can read on his chill Galaxy
Note. If you loved him, you could go on a date with someone who works
at HBO and ask him if Vince Vaughn really is that talented. That’s a
really good question.
4. Brag about him to your friends, your family, coworkers, and everyone at your weekly Al-Anon meetings. Tell the world that he’s a doctor prince who writes spoken word poetry. Remember that a lie is the truth with a positive life attitude.
Grab strangers by their shirts and yell “I’m dating a successful man
with a calm temperament who satisfies me sexually!” This will make his
ego swell like an infected wound.
5. Answer the door in a negligee.
Better yet, answer the door naked. Better yet, answer the door without
skin. Men love skeletons. Why do you think they’re called boners?!
6. Be open to what he wants to try in the bedroom.
If he says “you’re Benjamin Franklin and I’m a space goat,” just do it!
If he wants to cry after prematurely ejaculating, just let him! Then
make him a snack. But most importantly, be open to what he wants OUT of
the bedroom. In general, just do what he says, always, because one way
to make a man love you forever and ever is to pretend you’re a living
doll.
7. Allow him to solve your petty work squabbles.
Everyone knows that women bicker, and men get ‘er done. So let him
chime in on whether or not accepting partnership at the firm will effect
your pro bono work helping indigenous peoples negotiate with the local,
state, and Federal government.
8. During the big game, spit out a sport stat that will really impress him.
He will literally look at you the way he’d look at a toaster if that
toaster suddenly shouted “I am a sentient being!” That means, when
you’re not working 80 hours a week, buying him beer, cooking him snacks,
or pegging him senseless, you should be studying up on facts about his favorite sporting ensembles. In a few years, you could become a “cool chick.” To be a “cool chick” is the highest honor to which a woman can aspire.
9. It gets pretty boring when someone is constantly giving you their heart and soul.
So make sure you’re always trying to surprise him. Try pulling a
quarter out of his ear. Was he surprised? Try the other ear. Here’s an
extra tip: men like to be treated like they’re in the third grade, only
with fully-developed genitalia. Does he like hot dogs? Duh! Slice up hot
dogs, and lightly chew them into small little bites. Ask him to lay his
head on your lap, and then slowly spit those tiny morsels from your
mouth into his mouth. This will make the little birdie feel special.
10. Treat his friends the way you
treat your friends: smile politely, laugh at their jokes, and let your
hatred for them slowly consume you from the inside out, like cancer.
If you win over his former fraternity brothers, you’ll win his heart.
And once you have his heart, you can keep it locked in the trunk of your
car. So make plenty of snacks and, when in doubt, just pretend you’re a
lamp.
11. Sit next to him quietly while he zones out in front of the TV. Sit next to him quietly while he plays Xbox. Sit next to him quietly, like a sphinx.
12. Light a candle and give him a foot rub.
Name his bunions after his favorite stars of sports. Next, give him a
sensual back massage. Make sure you end the back massage with a “happy
ending” or, as his former fraternity brothers call it, a “secret
handshake.” Blow out the candle. Listen to him cry in the dark.
13. Instantly transport
him to awesome, awesome third grade by teasing him about his favorite
goofy shirt, or how his sports team lost or that he’s fat and will never
be loved. Tease him about his emotionally distant father, who
is largely responsible for his inability to be intimate with women.
Tease him about getting laid off, his growing drinking problem, and his
complicated yearnings. Tease him about how you’re the only woman who
will put in the effort to do the small things that can make a man love
her forever and ever. Hold him.
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